How to Take Care of a Vampire;)

Lead me from dreaming to waking.
Lead me from opacity to clarity.
Lead me from the complicated to the simple.
Lead me from the obscure to the obvious.
Lead me from intention to attention.
Lead me from what I'm told I am to what I see I am.
Lead me from confrontation to wide openness.
Lead me to the place I never left,
Where there is peace, and peace
- The Upanishads

*note* funny instructions about vampires from the Cecil Adams' The Straight Dope...don't they know I am one loving vampire?
http://kriptodanny.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-poems.html
-The loving vampire-

Lights are off,it's time to go
Out the window I crawl slow
Wait till neighbors go to sleep
On the maidens then I creep
I'm the one they mostly fear
In their hearts they hold me dear
I'm the one they fear most
But for them I'm holy ghost
I'm the one whom they forsake
I want them to be awake
I'm the one they never speak
In their hearts for me they seek
Just for me the windows close
But I brake them with my nose
I'm the one they try to flee
Never knowing what I see
I'm the one they try to purge
But for me they feel the urge
I make inner fears burst
And for me they feel the thirst
So,as long I won't retire
I'm one happy,loved vampire!!! -added by danny-
..............

How to Take Care of a Vampire

The vampire myth is widespread, and details vary from place to place. Here's a handy list, courtesy of Cecil Adams' The Straight Dope:
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VAMPIRE DISPOSAL METHODS, BY COUNTRY OF ORIGIN

SPECIES  COUNTRY  APPROVED METHOD OF DISPOSAL
Sampiro   Albania  Stake through heart
Nachtzehrer Bavaria  Place coin in mouth, decapitate with ax
Ogoljen   Bohemia  Bury at crossroads
Krvoijac Bulgaria Chain to grave with wild roses
Kathakano Crete Boil head in vinegar
Brukulaco Greece Cut off and burn head
Vampir   Hungary  Stake through heart, nail through temple
Dearg-dul Ireland  Pile stones on grave
Vryolakas Macedonia Pour boiling oil on, drive nail through navel
Upier Poland    Bury face downwards
Gierach Prussia  Put poppy seeds in grave
Strigoiul Rumania  Remove heart, cut in two; garlic in mouth,
                       nail in head
Vlkoslak  Serbia   Cut off toes, drive nail through neck
Neuntoter Saxony  Lemon in mouth
Vampiro  Spain No known remedy(tough luck for you!)

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Keep a copy of this in your wallet (I do). When confronted with a suspected vampire, ask to see his passport (if it shows a birthdate in the eighteenth century, so much the better). Cross reference the place of birth with the chart. Wait until the daylight, when the vampire is dormant, and take him out with the suggested method. BEFORE STARTING THIS OR ANY OTHER VAMPIRE ERADICATION PROGRAM, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR.